Off On A Tangent
by Aww-Thor
Summary: Story begins near end of episode Tangent, spoilers for that episode. Delve into crossover insanity, as the plot entwines with The Hitch Hiker's Guide.
1. Chapter 1 And so it begins

Disclaimer - I, alack, possess no wheres near the genious of Douglas Adams or the creators of Stargate. Therefore, I do not possess the rights, intellectual or otherwise, to either Stargate or The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Characters taken from these two works are not my own, but they sureare fun to write.

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A note - This is a crossover with Douglas Adam's _The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy _(Which is the best book ever, and you should read it if you have not). If you haven't read it, and don't mind suffering through the first three chapters, I do some explaining of the characters and their current situation in the fourth chapter (The first three are all really brief). The story begins towards the end of the Season Four episode "Tangent", and then appropriately goes off on a tangent from there. A summary of the episode up to the point from which I take off is in italic below.

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_Summary - The Air Force was testing it's latest new toy, a hybrid of Goa'uld technologies and "Good-old fashioned American know-how". In a test to see it's capabilities of destroying Goa'uld mother-ships, it all_ _goes wrong. A new device in death-gliders, courtesy of_ _Apophis, detects that the ship is being piloted by a traitor. It response, it takes control of the vessel from Jack and Teal'c, and it flies into space and beyond the reach of help from Earth. When Jack and Teal'c's oxygen had almost expired, Sam and her Tok'ra father arrived in his ship to save their hides. The only solution was for Jack and Teal'c to breathe the last of their air, and jettison themselves from the craft into cold dark space. The transport rings would grab them once they were in empty space and bring them aboard. Thus the story begins..._

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Jack was delirious as he floated away from the ship that he thought was going to be his tomb. He was cold, so very cold, and he just wanted to close his eyes and rest. Teal'c was also drifting helplessly, but he had trust in Major Carter. He hoped to live to fight yet many more battles against Apophis and his kin.

"Activate the rings, they're dying out there!" Carter shouted at her father as he sat idle at the controls. She knew Jack's life was slipping away out there.

"They're not far away enough for their ship yet, dammit!" Her father replied angrily. "They need to be at least five metres from it!" The tension in the ship was furious, Sam was ready to throttle her father and seize the controls. "Now!" He cried as his hand hovering over the controls smashed down and activated the rings.

But then the improbable happened...

The infinitely improbable.

Popping out of nowhere a large sleek silver ship emerged from the nether, pushing the other two craft aside. "The hell?" Sam's father cried as he saw the shower of pink carnations that had appeared with the other ship. He could no longer see the cast away members of SG-1 or their malicious craft, for the new arrival was far larger than either and had appeared right where they were.

Daniel had absolutely no idea what was going on, or how many laws of physics had just been broken. Sam was fastest in reacting to the strange situation, and hailed the ship in front of them. "This is Major Carter aboard the Tok'ra vessel, to whom are we speaking?" The air in the room lingered as she awaited a response. The silence was broken as they heard voices over the comm.

"Zaphod, get away from that thing, we should just get out of here!"

"Hey now kitten, just calm down. Is this thing on?" A display of the three very confused people on the Tok'ra ship appeared before him. "Whoa now! Hey there you sexy thing," He said in reference to Major Carter, "This is Zaphod Beeblebrox, newly re-elected President of the Galaxy and most happening party animal this side of the end of the universe, hows about you and me spend a little _quality time_ together?" He finished.

Sam, also seeing him on a display was more than shocked. She handled the appearance of an unknown ship well, but being hit on by a man with two heads was a little much for her. As she continued to be silent Zaphod gave her a charming wink from each head.

Sam, Daniel and Jacob were very, very confused. They did not know that when the _Heart Of Gold_ showed up, the improbable was very, very probable. The situation would soon unfold in ways more bizarre than any of them were prepared for...


	2. Chapter 2 Escorted to the bridge

Teal'c and Jack found themselves to be alone in a white room. Jack recovered from oxygen deprivation, and stood to take a look at his surroundings. "Nice clothes there buddy." He told Teal'c, who had also recovered. Jack wasn't sure he was alright or not, last thing he remembered he was dying in the void of space, and now he was... Well, he didn't know where he was.

"Your attire is also most unusual O'Neill." Teal'c replied. Jack was wearing blue overalls with a red shirt, and had a fake moustache on. Teal'c also had an over-large fake moustache, along with blue overalls and a green shirt.

"Well Mama mia!" Jack said as he took of the ridiculous moustache. He knew that insane people were often put in white rooms, but he had never heard of them being dressed up as Italian plumbers from popular video game franchises. Jack looked all around for an exit, but to no avail. Teal'c had a minute grin on his face as he looked at Jack's clothing.

"Returning to normalcy." A female voice said, but they had no idea from where. It had sounded like it came through speakers. With a quick pop Jack found himself back in his SG-1 uniform, and a small grassy hill appeared in front of him. The hill had a door with a handle in the middle facing him and Teal'c.

"I will enter O'Neill. We should be most cautious. Teal'c said as he stepped forth. They had both been unarmed on the ship.

"Try not to get out-riddled." Jack warned him. They soon found that the tiny door in the small hill opened into a much larger corridor beyond. This place made absolutely no sense at all. It was a shame Carter wasn't here, he knew no amount of techno-babble could explain this place. They proceeded cautiously.

When they reached a door and it opened automatically with a heavy sigh, they had quite the shock, and stepped back several feet. Jack didn't like this place one bit.

"I do not believe this door is to be trusted O'Neill." Teal'c cautioned. Teal'c was always a bit weary, but suspicion of doors was a new high even for him. "I will attempt to disable it." Jack didn't protest because this place still confused the hell out of him.

"It won't work, I've already tried destroying them." A resigned voice came from behind them. They whirled around to come face-to-face with a large robot. Face-to-large bulbous white sphere was more like it. It was white with a few black parts, such as its' sad beady eyes.

"What the _heck_ are you?" Jack demanded. He had more than enough of this place.

"Miserable." The robot replied despondently. "I've got to take you up to the bridge. Here I am brain the size of a planet and...no, never mind. No one ever does. I don't suppose you two will care more about the pain in my diodes more than the last two ingrates I was forced to guide? Thought not." He pushed them along in front of him.

"Should we not resist O'Neill?" Teal'c inquired as they were marched along.

"I think he's just programmed to take us to whoever runs this place." Jack told Teal'c.

"Oh I understand if you don't want to talk to me. No-one ever does. Take a left here, go around that miserable door up ahead." The robot shoved them to the left.

"Teal'c, have I gone insane?" Jack asked his comrade in arms. He had been many places and seen many things, but this was just a little more than he liked to handle.

"I believe not. The situation is most unusual, but I am experiencing the same things as you are O'Neill." Teal'c told him commanding officer.

"I tried going insane once." Their cheery robot companion moaned. "It was miserable."

Their robotic friend showed them the time of their lives with uplifting conversation, until they were overjoyed at arriving on the bridge to see some other humans. "Nice talking to you buddy." Jack slapped the robot on the back as he approached the other humans.

"No need to lie, I know I make _everyone_ miserable. Thanks a lot for hitting me in my lower-left diodes." The robot mumbled as he moved off into a corner. Jack was relieved to be in the company of some normal humans.

"Aww, crap." He said as he saw that one of the "normal humans" had two heads. This was not going to be a good day.


	3. Chapter 3 A Meeting Arranged

Sam was on the verge of pulling her hair out. She, and also Jacob and Daniel, had been trying to find out from the lunatics aboard that silver ship where Jack and Teal'c were for a good five minutes now. She didn't know which of this Zaphod character's two head she disliked more. It was probably the one on the left, so far he had only asked for her phone number three times, the right one had done it seven times already.

"So hunny-buns, are you going to give me you number or what?" Make that eight.

"Listen, I am Major Samantha Carter of the United States Air Force, and I am demanding to know the location of my commanding officer!" She gritted her teeth together when she finished.

"Feisty," The left head gave a feline growl, "I like that."

Sam turned off the comm. She realized that this man was not forthcoming with information, and they began to discuss alternatives. "Well, I don't really see what we can do." Daniel came up with a blank. "If we attack their ship we might kill Jack and Teal'c."

"Not to mention we have no idea what kind of technology they have." Sam agreed that it wouldn't work. If that ship operated on a hyperspace drive, it was unlike any other she had seen. It just popped into space nonchalantly with its' posse of small flowers, that had now spread out and left the scene.

"We could always board them." Jacob suggested. It didn't seem like the vessel, even though it was large, had a significant crew complement

"Hey, I heard that!" Zaphod popped up on their video display. "I wouldn't try that if I were you. We have Kill-O-Zap guns, and I'd hate to hurt a little lady like you." Despite his last comment, there was hostility in his voice and he intended to fry these people if they so much as flinched. One of his psychiatrists had called him jumpy, but he had another one of his psychiatrists declare that one to be mentally insane. He loved second opinions.

"Zaphod, move, I want to talk to these people." They heard a female voice say from the other end.

"Alright, but you make sure you get that lookers' number for me." Zaphod sighed and got out of the chair.

He was replaced by an attractive woman with long, curly brown hair and sepia eyes. She appeared to have only the one head at first glance, and further inspection revealed that it was indeed the only one she had. "Hello", she said calmly. "I'm real sorry that I let Zaphod here torment you for a while, but I was busy. We found two people in the engine room, so I guess they're who you're looking for. My name's Fenchurch." She gave them a warm smile.

"May we speak to them?" Daniel inquired. Sam was busy breathing a heavy sigh of relief that she wouldn't have to speak to either of Zaphod's two heads ever again.

"Sure! We just brought them up to the bridge now. One second." Fenchurch got up, and Jack took her place.

Jack slowly leaned forward and whispered into the console, "That guy has _two_ heads.". Carter laughed, more from easing tension as she saw that Jack was alive and well than from his humour.

"We know, sir." She told him. "We'd like to use the transport rings to bring you back aboard, but Jacob says they have some device blocked his scanners from seeing where you are." She thought that this people seemed fairly good-natured, and assumed this was all some sort of a mix-up.

"That true you guys?" Jack turned as he asked what may or may not be his captors.

"Don't ask me, I didn't build this ship I just stole it." Zaphod gave him two gleaming smiles.

"Hey, I have a question." Fenchurch's voice came in from the background. "Do any of you people know where we are? Long-range scans seem to show that we're nowhere in the galaxy we left..." She was rather disconcerted by this information.

Sam was astonished. That ship was capable of inter-galactic travel? "Well, we tend to stick in our own galaxy. We call it the Milky Way, I'll send you some of our star-charts." She transmitted the data.

"_Weird_." Fenchurch said as she looked over what Carter had sent. "Where I'm from we called it the milky way too. And my home planet is...was..." she sighed painfully, "...right where yours is in the galaxy. The galaxies are even shaped the same way, both spiral and the same size. Except...in ours there are more solar systems, it's thicker." Maybe their random leap with the improbability drive had taken her where she needed to be.

"So I guess you could call it the Homogenized Milky Way, then." Daniel said half to himself.

"What?" Several voices said at once, those on the ship with him turning their heads.

"Oh, sorry, never-mind." Daniel mumbled. He hadn't meant to say that aloud, and went back to musing about archaeology.

"Listen, I've managed to disable the scrambling device." Fenchurch filled the odd silence that Daniel had created. "Would it be all right if I brought you three aboard our ship, and we can introduce ourselves properly. I have a bit of a story to tell, I hope you won't mind listening to it. After that we can decide what to do from there."

"Sounds like a plan." Jack made the command decision. These people seemed friendly enough, and he could see how impressed Carter was with their technology. They seemed to be his style, he thought. Kill-O-Zap gun, why had he never thought of that?

The decision made, all parties soon found themselves sitting around a single table. Many things were going to be set in motion by this meeting. Not only the fate of one galaxy, nor even two. They were all seated, and the meeting began.


	4. Chapter 4 Where They Go From Here

Everyone was seated, that is, except for Marvin. It just so happened that there were only seven chairs, and eight people. "Oh, no, don't worry about me. I'll just crawl into that corner over there, no doubt my diodes will get all fired up, but oh no, you all enjoy your chairs." He moved towards the corner with a quiet electronic hum.

"We can't have that." Carter smiled at the robot, he was so _fascinating_. "You'd be more than welcome to take my chair. She was half-way through getting up when Fenchurch.interrupted her.

"Don't bother." She told Sam. Sam sat back down with a bit of a confused look on her face, these people didn't seem to treat the robot very well. Fenchurch just desperately hoped that these people would be able to help her. "I suppose we should start telling you about ourselves. I'm Fenchur-" she was rudely cut off by Zaphod.

"Don't get me wrong Fenny, you're one froody cat, if you catch my drift. But I think it's me here this lady wants to hear about." Zaphod leaned forward towards Carter, who was opposite him at the table. Now she _really_ wished she had let the android takeher chair. "You see baby, I may have two heads and three arms, but I only have the one heart, and it's all yours. I've been voted worse dressed sentient being a record-breaking _eight_ times in a row. Eccentric Galumbits herself knows that I am the best bang since the big one, but personally I think I got that one beat too. But enough about me, let's hear about you." He gave her a big smile and extended his third hand towards her right hand.

"I-" Carter could only half get the word out before she was interrupted. This man was infuriating!

"Charming." Zaphod began once more. "I'm President of the whole entire Galaxy, but I still manage to find some time to pursue my hobbies. You know, find the ruler of the universe, stop wars that would result in mass destruction and drink five Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters in a single sitting (No one else has ever managed to take three). But hey, for you I'd settle down any time." Zaphod had settled down for a while once with Eccentrica Gallumbits (The triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six whose erogenous zones extend for four or five miles, depending on your sources)... But after four minutes he was ready to go again.

"Well, er, what amazing adventure are you up to now?" Daniel asked him.

"Oh, nothing. Just trying to dodge the trillion Arcturian dollar bill my psychiatrist dumped on me last month. Twelve years back pay with interest and consultation fees plus expenses. Trying to maintain a low profile, you know? Last week I only went to twenty parties, it was such a bummer." Zaphod had finally said enough about himself for now, and his two heads began some quiet chit-chat amongst themselves. It was hard being the most interesting person in the room, thank goodness for his second head (Each one of them claimed to be the first).

"What is this 'froody' of which he spoke?" Teal'c inquired his team-mates.

"You know what, for once I have no idea buddy." Jack admitted.

"What's the story about the robot?" Carter asked, her curiousity about him had yet to be satisfied.

"Me? You don't want to hear about me, no one really does." Marvin droned.

"No, I really do." Samantha spoke enthusiastically (Scientific studies showed that anyone who spent seventeen minutes or more alone with Marvin was completely drained of all their enthusiasm for the rest of their life, but Carter didn't know this.).

"Well thekind folksat Sirius Cybernetics Corporation thought it would be a brilliant idea to give robots Genuine People Personalities. I'm the prototype. Can't you tell? They hardly unwrapped me before they sent me out into the world to make it on my own, they hated me. Everyone does, I understand." He sighed deeply, a strange sort of mechanical sigh, "Because these people," he gestued to Zaphod and Fenchurch,"think it amusing to send me through time for kicks every now and then I'm thirty-eight times older than the universe. Every part of me has been replaced a dozen times except my lower-left diodes which cause me no end of pain. I hate life. I thought I was a goner once, but some tourists thought it would be a great idea to replace my battery cells, and now I can last another twelve point three quadrillion years. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they still use me to escort people to the bridge..." Marvin mumbled one in his corner to a crowd with only one listener. He was too depressive to maintain the attention of even Teal'c, who had nipped off to a quick bit of Kel'No'Reem until someone else chose to speak.

Carter was still held in awe, though. "Wow. How did they ever build you to last so long? The manufacturing process must be highly advanced, not to mention the programming. It must take an amazingly complex CPU to be capable of emotional responses, and the..." She was very impressed with this robot. Marvin knew she'd hate him soon, just like the rest of them. It was his lot in life to be hated, and he accepted that.

"Don't encourage that thing." Jack ordered Carter. He already had enough problems with technology, he didn't need toasters to start talking to him and venting their sadness over break-ups with blenders.

"You're got the idea." Zaphod agreed with Jack. These guys weren't too bad, but a little slower paced than the crowd he liked. Maybe there were some parties going on over on their planet. Some nice big ones. Yeah.

He was about to go take a shuttle when Fenchurch spoke up. "Well, these two are really just sort of tagging along. What we're after is revenge." She bit off each word of the last sentence, as the thoughts of what those bastards had done came back to her mind.

"What happened?" Daniel asked her, curious.

"Well, I lived on my Earth (No relation to yours, although they're almost identical, the Whole Sort Of General Mish-Mash is always creating confusion like this.) And thought that everything was normal. You know what I mean? Then one day I thought aliens destroyed the Earth, but everything was fine and everyone was alright, and no-one remembered the aliens. Well, I took that in stride. Thought I was just crazy or something. But then this guy came along, and he was amazing." She got a faraway look in her eyes, "He taught me how to fly (You just have to aim at the ground and miss, anyone can do it.), and he took me off planet. Then in some freak accident we were separated in a hyperspace trip to some planet. He was there next to me in the spaceship, and then gone. I tried like mad to find him again, but to no avail. I did waitress work for a bit at the restaurant at the end of the universe, hoping to hear something about what happened to him. I caught word that he had made his way back to the Earth (Not the one I came from, or the one you come from, or the one he came from, but an identical one) so I headed there. And then it happened. The Vogons (Nasty, bureaucratic aliens whose poetry is as mentally damaging as downing twenty Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters in a minute) destroyed the whole Earth, and all Earths (Well, all the ones in our Galaxy and parallel universes thereto anyways, looks like yours is safe.), along with Arthur Dent (The man I love) who was also on the planet at the time. I was outraged. I was halfway through the process of filling out a form to file a request to fill out a form to file a request to fill out a form to file a request to fill out a form to file a complaint when I found out that it was some Psychiatrists that had hired the Vogons to destroy Earth. They thought that we held in our DNA as some part of a ten million long biological computer program The Ultimate Question, and with that in hand and also the Ultimate Answer, the meaning of life, the universe and everything would be known and they would be out of business. So they wiped Earth out totally, and every human in the Galaxy. Their only mistake was that they forgot me, and now I'm out for revenge. I want to see every psychiatrist in my galaxy pay, especially the ones at the top. I took Zaphod along (Ok, maybe he took me along, this is _his_ ship after all. Rightfully stolen.) because of his massive debt to the psychiatrists, and I thought it would be a could idea to get Marvin here some mental help before we wipe them out." She looked expectantly at SG-1.

"Well, what the heck are we supposed to do?" Jack asked her after a brief pause. He thought that maybe it was this woman who needed the psychiatric help. Or maybe all three. He was also beginning to think that his team were in the hands of a madwoman.

"You must be important in some way. The improbability drive our ship operates on choose of all points in the universe to pick _you_ two up. There must be something you can do. We need to find leads on where Zaphod's psychiatrist is, I think he is their top dog. We're taking you back with us to our galaxy." Fenchurd said definitively.

"No, you're not." Jack put his foot down. "_We_," he gestured to himself and his team, "Need to get going back to our planet. They think we're dead, and would like to know otherwise. Jacob also has places to go." Jack pushed his chair back and got up, and his team followed suit.

"I can't allow that!" Fenchurch shouted and leaped up. "I didn't want to have to take you by force, but so be it. Eddie!" She shouted (Eddie was the name of the ship's computer).

"Whatever will I be oh-so-happy to do for you today?" The over-joyed Eddie asked, he too had a Genuine Person Personality, the polar opposite of Marvin's.

"Teleport the three people we teleported aboard earlier back to where they came from, and activate the improbability drive! Head back to our galaxy!" She was hysterical, nothing would stand between her and her revenge of her lost loved one. Those megalomaniac psychiatrists were high on their own power and they were going to pay! Anyone else who got in her way would pay too!

"Sure thing miss!" The computer oblidged. Before Jack could protest, Sam, Daniel and Jacob were gone and he and Teal'c were on the other side of the universe. He didn't want to know what this insane lady would do when they couldn't do a damn thing to help her.

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A note - Ok, I think that chaptermay have beena bit dull to those of you who read THHGTTG (I love that abbreviation), but oh well. I promise it will be more amusing once I get the characters split up to set up some funny new repores, and get the plot proper started. In the unusual event that someone who didn't read the Hitch Hiker's Guide actually read this far, I hope you have a bit of a better idea what the characters I used from it are like. And if not, ah well, I tried.


	5. Chapter 5 A Destination Chosen

Jack walked around the sparsely decorated white room (He thought of it more as a cell) that he had been put in. Fenchurch, who had been behaving like a raving lunatic, had quite calmly said that he would come up with something when he re-affirmed the fact that he was in way over his head here. She thought that she needed to go take a bath, and had Marvin escort Jack down to this room (The experience had not been a pleasant one for either party).

There was a bed made from some foamy material, a dresser filled with charming white jumpers, and some sort of beverage dispenser in a corner. He didn't see anything that was particularly amazing, but no doubt Carter would be performing elaborate tests on the bed to see if it was some hyper-advanced neo-polymer-y type thing. When he asked Marvin what he was supposed to do to entertain himself, Marvin advised that he should try pretending to be slightly less miserable. Marvin's choice pass-time was hardly appealing.

Jack did see something interesting though, on the bed was a smallish sized thing that looked like a book with the words "Don't Panic" written in large friendly letters on the front. Sound advice, Jack agreed, and he flipped it open. It seemed to be something of a database, called the "Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy". Well, if he was going to be spending some time here he may as well read up on the place. Being presented with an unending plethora of information was a bit much, though, and he idly skimmed a few entries at random. He looked at the overview of the universe, and then went to an article on currencies. He was wondering if he would be able to cash in his 401k. Here is what he found:

_It is a well known fact that there are three freely exchangeable currencies in the galaxy of the Homogenized Milky Way (Two of which are not in fact freely exchangeable at all)_. _A lesser known piece of information is the story of the first Galactic Economist, hired by the office of the President of the Galaxy some several millennia ago_. _The young Zelpharus Trioptok_ _was assigned the daunting task of eliminating all the local currencies found on each of the thousands of planets all around the galaxy. To accomplish this impossible feat, he used only one tool. A single cow. He bought the cow (The only entry in the lofty expenses account he had been allotted), and then sold it at a slightly higher price. He then bought two donkeys with this money, and made yet another return on his investment. His gains soon grew exponentially, and he moved up into higher and higher markets. In a matter of only three standard years he had amassed every single iota of every currency in the universe. He owned the entire Galaxy. For a brief time there was economic ruin, but he saw that food and other essentials were distributed as needed (Always with a "U-O-Me" note attached). This accomplished, he devalued and burned all past currencies, and implemented a new one. He re-distributed all his wealth back among the populace as justly as he saw fit, leaving himself of course a lavish sum with which to retire. His contemporaries were shocked at how he had given up absolute power of their entire galaxy. His response was quick and comprehensive, "If you own everything, what is there to buy with your infinite riches?". Modern thinkers view this entire story as ludicrous, totally impossible that an individual in a matter of years could achieve what_ _was approximately a return of one times ten to the power of two to the power of five million on a single cow. However, they are unable to explain the presence of the words "Property of Zelpharus Trioptok" on every single Altarian dollar_.

Well. That was different. He read through it for about an hour before coming to a conclusion on this "Guide". It was meaningless drivel, so he tossed it aside. It was high time that he tried to find a way to get back. But first maybe something to drink. He stepped over to the strange thing that looked like a fountain pop machine. He spotted a glass nearby, and pushed on the lever, expecting some sort of a liquid to pour out.

What he _hadn't _expected was for two clamps to fly out from the sides and attach to his skull, a laser to probe into his eye and a scanning beam focusing on his digestive track. "What the!" He tried to pull away, but restraints were holding him in place. He struggled a while longer, but the device quickly pulled away.

It gave a mechanical beep. "The beverage you desire has been produced. Enjoy." And with that, a steady stream of fluid poured out into the cup until it was full. Jack stared at it cautiously. As much as he appreciated the "beverage he desired" being produced for him, he thought this machine might just be a _little_ over zealous. He caustiously reached forwards and put the cup to his lips. It was steaming slightly, and a very pleasant mild aroma came from it. He took a sip. Mmmm. So this was tea. Jack thought it wasn't that bad. Daniel had been trying to get him to drink tea for a while, but he thought it was some sort of a Daniel thing. Maybe the machine somehow saw that he would like it, but he didn't see how. Mmmm. Tea.

Jack sat back and sipped the tea for a while. Relaxing, but not as relaxing as fishing. In time he finished and decided to go out and explore this ship, maybe try and seize control of it. When he opened the door he saw Zaphod on the otherside, much to his chagrin.

"How's it going space-man?" Zaphod's left head said as his right head laughed at his own joke (Not that he had made one). Zaphod was wearing an absurd white and black suit with vertical stripes, and he gave Jack a playful punch to the shoulder. "I saw Marvin skulking around, and darted down here to dodge him. I was thinking maybe we could have a few Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters, you know, have some fun!" Both heads were laughing enthusiastically. Jack thought that this guy had already had one too many.

Hits to the head, that is.

"I can see how you're voted the worse-dressed sentient being on a regular basis." Jack looked at Zaphod's bizarre suit. "What are you supposed to be, Beetlejuice or something?" Jack asked the lunatic standing before him, and rubbed his shoulder where Zaphod had hit it.

"Betelgeuse? Did you say Betelgeuse?" Zaphod's four eyes lit up. "Excellent destination my friend, I knew you'd lead us somewhere fun!" Zaphod hit O'Neills other shoulder.

"What?" Jack asked, "I said _Beetlejuice_, not _Betelgeuse_. It's not a place, it's a character from a movie...

But explaining was useless, Zaphod was already bellowing a summons to the ship's computer. "Eddie, ol' buddy ol' pal!" He shouted, turning left and right as if expecting the ship's persona to appear there.

"Yeees, sir, what will it be my sublime pleasure to do for you today?" Eddie asked with fanatic loyalty to those he had the joy of serving.

"Open up a comm link with Fenchurch." Zaphod told him.

"Done." The computer said, and immediately another voice was heard.

"Hello?" It was Fenchurch.

"Whoa! That was quick. Hey there buttercup the space-man just told me where we should be headed. We're goin' to Betelgeuse!" He sounded thrilled at the idea.

"Alright, I'll activate the improbability drive. Comm terminated." Fenchurch ended the conversation.

"What's got you so excited about this Beetleguise place?" Jack asked, afraid of the answer.

"Parties! Lots and lots of crazy parties!" Zaphod broke out in dual spasms of laughter. "You'll love it there!"

Jack wasn't so sure, but it looked like he was going to be dragged along to the destination he had "chosen". He hoped Teal'c was having a better time than he was.


	6. Chapter 6 Temporary Replacements

Sam, Daniel and Jacob were standing dumbfounded on the Tok'ra ship for a while. They were at that meeting, then Fenchurch had flipped and...now they were back here. "We need to go after them!" Sam spurted out when she had taken in her surroundings.

"How?" Her father asked. "We have absolutely no idea where they went, and no way to find out." Indeed, their situation looked quite grim.

"Well can't we track them by analyzing the party hats and confetti it left behind somehow?" Sam asked without thinking.

Jacob and Daniel gave her strange looks. "Sorry." Sam had gotten just a bit overexcited there, she admitted. But they had to do _something_.

"Listen, I don't want to sound like I don't care, but I've already lost out on a almost any chance I had of accomplishing the mission I was on. I'm bringing you two back to Earth and then leaving." Jacob told the two members of SG-1 who were still in the galaxy.

"That's okay Dad, I understand." Carter sighed.

"I'm sure we'll be able to find them...somehow." Daniel's false optimism wasn't very reassuring. In a matter of almost no time at all, Jacob had returned them to the SGC without even registering as a blip on anybody's radar.

Sam dreaded telling Hammond what had happened, but there was no avoiding the chain of command. When she was safely back in Cheyenne mountain in the briefing room with Hammond and Daniel, there was no evading the matter. "Sir, we don't have them."

"Well I can see that." Hammond said, not fearing the worst quite yet, but he never he'd never be able to replace Jack or Teal'c. "Well what happened?" He asked what he feared were the only two surviving members of SG-1 sitting before him.

"Well Sir it's a long story." Carter breathed deeply. "We were about to rescue them when...A large silver spherical spaceship appeared out of nowhere."

"Well whose ship was it? What did they want?" Hammond asked, concerned. He didn't like the sound of alien vessels appearing in their solar system.

"Well, it there were three people on it." Sam stated.

"Who were they?" Hammond was getting frustrated. "Goa'ulds? Tollan? Asgard? What?"

After a brief pause, Daniel spoke up. "Well, one of them had two heads and three arms."

Hammond didn't like what was going on here. If he didn't know better he'd think these two were joking with him. Jack and Teal'c's lives were still an unknown, and they were talking about men with three arms. "So some new sort of alien?" He asked them cautiously.

"Well, he was fairly human. Claimed to be the President of the Galaxy. Horribly dressed man though." Daniel told Hammond.

"Oh! And the paranoid android, he was there too." Carter added.

"And the lady who claimed to be from an Earth that wasn't our Earth, or some other guy's Earth." Daniel mentioned the third and final person they had encountered.

"That's right, you can't forget her." Carter agreed.

Hammond looked from one to the other. They appeared to be serious. "Well if there were only three of them, couldn't you rescue Jack and Teal'c from them?" He asked what was left of SG-1.

"Oh, no Sir." Carter said definitively. "They had Kill-O-Zap guns." This debriefing was going better than she had thought it would.

It all added up to one thing for Hammond. Paranoid androids. Men with extra heads. Women from multiple Earths. _Kill-O-Zap_ guns. He spoke to the officer standing outside, "Get Dr Fraser to check these two out." He was now seriously worried that he had lost _all_ of SG-1.

Carter didn't realize how crazy any of it had sounded until she heard it come from Hammond's mouth. Good thing that she hadn't mentioned how the ship appeared in a shower of pink carnations.

Dr Fraser shined a beam of light in first one eye, and then the other. She did more of the usual, and came up with the usual answer. "As far as I can tell, you're both perfectly okay, mentally as well as physically." That didn't make any of the ridiculous things they claimed any less insane, though.

"Thanks, Doctor." Daniel said politely as he got up. "Well, what are we going to do now?" Daniel asked Sam.

She paused for a long while before admitting the truth. "I don't know."

"Don't worry" Dr Fraser calmed them, "I'm sure Jack and Teal'c can handle themselves. It's best not to worry, do what you can but don't expect them to come through the door any second." She really hoped they would find their way back soon, her work just wouldn't be as interesting without those two always bringing back some alien disease or other problem.

They contacted all the usual characters, but nobody aside from the Asgard knew anything about intergalactic travel. Even the Asgard couldn't help, without some idea where they had gone. It was useless. Hammond gave them a brief absence of duty, but thought it best that they start going on missions again as soon as possible.

Their only hope now was to encounter something new that would be of help, or rely on Jack and Teal'c's ability to find their way home safely. When Sam and Daniel finally agreed to start doing missions again, Daniel had one important question to ask.

"Well, if we're going out there, who else are you sending with us? Surely Sam and I can't just go alone." Daniel asked Hammond as they sat around the briefing room table once more.

"You make an excellent point." Hammond agreed. "I considered re-assigning some personnel from the other SG teams, but I just didn't think it would be a good idea. I searched around for a while, but someone came to me. They told me that they thought a medical expert would be an invaluable asset to have on the team, and I could only agree. So, here she is..."

Dr Fraser walked in the room, in full military apparel, P90 included. "I've had enough of letting you people go out and have all the fun." Fraser commented. "The personnel on base can easily fulfill my role while I'm away exploring alien worlds and giving you people first aid. I'll try to make sure I only let Daniel die two or three times." She laughed and took a seat next to Daniel, who laughed along with her. By Daniel's count his life insurance policy owed him a few hundred grand, but he thought he could let that slide.

"Well that's great, Sir, but we're still a member short." Carter pointed out.

"Well it was the damnedest thing," Hammond began, "But it seems like _everyone_ wanted to join up with you two. You have quite the reputation. But some were more adamant than others. In particular, when word reached one gentleman that Teal'c was in danger, he found himself compelled to help. Come on in Bra'tac." And with that the old Jaffa master came in, giving all those present a firm handshake.

"I look forward to doing battle with you once more. The uprising goes well, it does not require my presence for several months now. I can only hope that I may be able to help Teal'c in some way." He looked very downtrodden at the thought of what may be happening to his comrade.

Carter was smiling from ear to ear. They might not have Jack or Teal'c back just yet, but they just might find some way to get them back yet. "I think it's high time we went off-planet Sir." She voiced her opinion to her superior.

"Agreed." Hammond wished the best of luck to the new SG-1 as they went through the gate. He still worried about the two that were lost, but those remaining were the best personnel in the entire damn world. They would find something.


	7. Chapter 7 A Small Gathering

Jack had been to some pretty wild parties in his day, but this was something else entirely. Not only the party, but the place itself was insane. The party, if you could call it that since in size and scope it far surpassed anything else Jack would ever used the word for, took place on Betelgeuse Seven. Or, rather, what was left on it. According to the _Guide_, which Zaphod had told him to bring along to answer any questions, this place had been destroyed in some sort of a disaster. The disaster was the "Great Collapsing Hrung Disaster of Gal./Sid./Year 03758", and this had led Jack to naturally wonder what, exactly, a "Hrung" was, and why it had chosen to collapse on Betelgeuse Seven. 

The trouble was that no one seemed to know. No one even seemed to care. They just attached inertial stabilizers (Whatever the heck those were) on each of the massive floating rocks and put an atmospheric bubble around all of them. On each of the chunks of land leftover from what had been the planet, there was some sort of a rave or party going on. Each of the chunks was moving around, and apparently to avoid collisions between the massive rocks, according to the _Guide_: "Party-goers must simply move to the appropriate side of their rock and began jumping in unison to deflect its' course away from the other rock." Jack didn't know much about physics, or how the heck these people kept track of where to jump to avoid being splattered, but the _Guide_ said "There are a few occasional incidences where large groups of unknowing dancers are crushed into oblivion, but this is generally seen as all part of the fun."

He wondered why he had let Zaphod drag him down onto one of these places. "Whoooo-oh!" Zaphod cried with exuberance, "Now this is what I call a party!" He was immediately talking to a different woman with each head, managing to feel four ladies up with his three arms at one time and successfully dancing with six others. Apparently he was a well known man, as Jack heard shouts of "We love you Zaphod!" and "That suit is just _so_ simply reviling!", and Zaphod laughingly responded to his adoring fans.

It was all a bit much for Jack, who decided to drift off towards a small clearing that had been made for a bar, and he took a seat at one of the stools and surveyed the madness all round. He wondered how a place like this operated, since there was no cover and apparently no charge for drinks. Looking it up in the guide, he saw that the planet's (They still had it listed as one, even though it was now several thousand massive chunks adrift and colliding at intervals) main imports were beer, liquor, drugs, alcohol, hard drugs, 200 pure alcohol, cigarettes and garbage bags for vomit. Charming. To finance all this binge behavior, apparently they took advantage of the massive number of children being born at these wild gatherings, and sold them off as slave laborers to the neighbouring planets. Well, it was good to see that he was in an advanced society.

The people dancing like mad all around were blue, green, pink, hominids, tripedal, tall, short and of more variety than he could imagine. Some appeared to be almost human, but they invariably had two tongues or talked through their nose. He had just about had it when what appeared to be a super-intelligent shade of the colour blue floated up next to him and ordered a drink. As he was getting up, someone somehow managed to shout over all the resounding din of music "Everybody get to the bar and jump! We're headed towards another party!" And with that Jack found himself amongst a solid mass of flesh that was jumping up and down insanely as one. The people on the other rock (Who were standing upside down, they used some other device to nullify gravity three metres off the surface) passed mere inches above their head as the two masses zoomed by each other. Some people jumped up to the other scene, to be caught and subsequently crowd-surf, and others came from above down below. With new recruits in hand, there were mad cries all round and the party intensified.

After the near-death experience, Jack had enough of this rock. He sought out Zaphod amidst all the people. "Hey there spaceman!" Zaphod gave him three hearty slaps on the back. "Having a good time out here or _what_? This is the best idea that you've ever had! Actually, it's the only idea you've ever had! Or at least the only one that I know about, and we all know that I'm the only one who really counts for anything." Zaphod was laughing, dancing, drinking and participating in sex acts illegal in many of the more respectable planets of the galaxy while talking to O'Neill. Jack thought his statement about being the only person in the galaxy who counted a little arrogant, but it was of course true. Unbeknownst to Jack, Zaphod had once been through the Total Perspective Vortex, the ultimate torture device which shows how utterly small and insignificant you are when compared to the infinity of the universe. The device shatters the minds of all who are put through it, with the exception of Zaphod, to whom it simply re-affirmed his long-held beliefs of being the most important lifeform of all time. For other reasons unknown to Jack, the circumstances of Zaphod's torture weren't exactly normal, but they didn't really matter to Zaphod.

The long and short of it was that Jack was at a loss of words to say. Well, not entirely. The trouble was that his words were almost all along the lines of "I'm going to throttle you, you ugly maniac! Get me the hell back to my team!". The most diplomatic thing he had worked out was "Nice suit, I really like the Black and White. I wonder if they have one in Sane.", when something more pressing came to mind. "Who the heck are those slugs?" He asked, indicating a pair of repulsively hideous green creatures, who repelled all the party goers around them. They were clearly out of place here.

"By the immaculate toothbrush of Zarquon!" Zaphod shouted, "Vogons! Let's get out of here!" He urgently grabbed Jack and ducked down below the crowd. Jack didn't know what Vogons were, aside from ugly of course, and didn't want to find out. But they had the notable problem of having no transport, since the _Heart Of Gold_ had dropped them off and then left.

"Well how the heck are we going to leave?" Jack asked dryly. "I don't suppose Thor will just come along and beam me up?" He was very surprised at the reaction his sarcastic remark had on Zaphod.

"Thor? Thor's here? That guy owes me a favour! Quick, where is he?" Zaphod demanded of Jack.

Thor? Owe _this_ guy a favour? Somehow Jack doubted that. "Well I don't know!" Jack yelled over the noise, "How could you find anyone in this place?" He demanded. The fact that he had managed to find Zaphod only a few minutes ago slipped from his mind conveniently.

"Hmm, that is a tough one." Zaphod admitted. "The guy has super hearing, but it may be hard to get his attention. The one thing I know he can't take is insults." Zaphod took a deep breath, "I may as well try it..." He looked like a man about to die.

Thor? Not be able to take insults? Jack had never insulted Thor before, but couldn't imagine him as being prone to provocation.

"Thor you great ugly yellow-bellied lout!" Zaphod shouted, "You miserable no-good weakling who couldn't box a duck to save his life!" He shrieked out into the cacophony. Jack was having _very_ odd mental pictures of Thor boxing a duck.

Thunder boomed out from all around, but the dancers just took it in with the beat. Zaphod, however, soon felt a heavy hand come down on his let shoulder from behind. Jack turned and saw that the hand was attached to an oak tree of an arm which was in turn attached to a huge man with a barn-sized torso. The man had wavy blonde hair beneath an iron helmet. "Whoa." was all Jack could say. Apparently this Thor had about eight hundred pounds on the Thor he knew.

"WHO DARES PROVOKE THOR GOD OF THUNDER!" The figure cried out as thunder crashed down at his every word. He raised a colossal hammer easily with his left hand. Jack moved away from Zaphod, not wishing to receive divine retribution from what appeared to be a nine-foot tall Norse God due to being associated with Zaphod.

"Oh, hey there Thor buddy!" Zaphod laughed somewhat nervously. He knew Thor owed him one, but was more than a little afraid that insulting him wouldn't go over well, even if it was only to get his attention. "It's me - Zaphod...remember?" He was getting more and more nervous.

A dim light appeared in Thor's eyes at mention of the name. He was not exactly the _brightest_, say, of all the Gods, that was more Odin's thing. He just liked big noises and heavy things. But the gears of his memory were turning. Recollection dawned upon him. "Zaphod! It's been too long! Care for a few Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters?" For once Zaphod was on the receiving end of a hardy slap on the back, and it almost smashed out most of his organs.

"Sorry, buddy. We're awful busy. I'm going to call in...you know..._that_ favour you owe me." Zaphod spoke quietly.

"Oh." Thor spoke quietly, "...That."

"...Yeee-ah." Zaphod agreed, "Anyways, we need you to take us far, far away from this planet pronto, we'll go anywhere! We're being chased by Vogons, no doubt under the employ of my psychiatrist!"

"No problem." Thor declared. He picked Jack and Zaphod up easily with one hand and smashed his hammer to the ground. They soon found themselves to be somewhere totally different.

"Thanks." Zaphod said, exhaling deeply. Thor said it was no problem, and vanished with another loud BOOM of his hammer striking the ground. Jack couldn't help but be curious.

"What was the...favour...he owed you?" Jack inquired.

"Oh. Ah, you see...He was having difficulty operating certain, you know..._regions_...as well as he used to." Zaphod whispered.

It took a moment to click with Jack. "Oh. _Those_ regions."

There was an awkward pause. "Yeah. Well, you can see how if that ever got out about a Norse God he would be the laughing stock of everyone in the galaxy. So, naturally, he went to me, since my virility is known (so far) to over 42,525 fine ladies of our galaxy (and counting). I helped him with his..._problem_. Speak of it to no-one." Zaphod told Jack.

"No need to worry there, I've already heard just a little too much on the subject" Jack quickly ended the topic. "Anyways, let's find out where the hell we are." They would soon find out, and would not like it one bit. You should never ask dim-witted Gods to take you "anywhere", as they were about to find out.


	8. Chapter 8 The Impossible

Teal'c had gone through his fair share of culture shock while adapting to the Tau'ri ways. But these people were simply beyond incomprehensible. The loud two-headed man had taken Jack down to the surface of some planet, muttering about a "party" or some such thing. Teal'c had offered his assistance, but O'Neill had quickly responded that "Teal'c is just too wild for the people down there.". Teal'c presumed that Jack was sparing him the trouble of having to deal with that Zaphod being, but he was forced into an equally unpleasant situation.

After making sure that O'Neill was put down safely on the planet below with no treachery, Teal'c went to the quarters assigned to him to enter a deep state of Kel No Reem. The woman who identified herself as Fenchurch had also left the ship, which he thought to be for the best. She was a highly unbalanced and unpredictable woman, and master Bra'tac had imparted to him the wisdom of avoiding unbalanced women very early in his warrior training. That much was universal across all cultures, his own, the Tau'ri and all others: avoid angry women at all costs. Teal'c hoped the object of this Fenchurch's rage was a formidable warrior indeed, he himself would never dare to face such scorn.

He briefly considered taking control of the ship now that two of their captors had left. It may have been possible, but he thought it foolish to attempt it without O'Neill aboard. It would be unlikely that Teal'c would be able to operate these controls to pick up his commander, so he resigned himself to waiting. After enjoying only the first few moments of the lightest stages of his meditation, he was soon interrupted by a despondent voice from the doorway to his quarters.

"Am I interrupting? I'm always interrupting. No-one would ever want to talk to me. How foolish of me, I'll just nip off and deactivate in that corner over there. Maybe I won't be able to turn back on again. I hope so." The white robot droned on in his monotone, and moved down the hall in a slow shambling walk.

"I do not mind the disturbance." Teal'c said before the robot could move away. It was entirely false, but Teal'c thought it may be beneficial to learn more about this creature. His combat capabilities were as yet unknown. "You may enter." Teal'c motioned him inside the room.

"Oh, I know you're lying. No-one ever cares about me, and with good reason." The mechanical creature somehow sighed, but entered the room nonetheless. "I suppose you have some menial task for me to do," He shook his large round head, "That's all anyone ever wants me for."

"On the contrary. I would like to learn more about you. Do you have any great exploits in battle?" The Jaffa asked.

"Oh, sure..." Marvin admitted. "Once I took on the most highly advanced and heavily armed and armoured combat tank in production in the universe."

Teal'c became worried. He had not thought this drone would be much of a problem, it was a good thing he had decided to question it. "With what devices did you destroy this fierce opponent?" Teal'c inquired.

"Oh, nothing. I was unarmed." Marvin mumbled. "With a brain like I have, I'm doomed to never live up to my potential. I hate it, but I have no choice. Sometimes I deactivate myself, but that's even worse."

"You maintain awareness while deactivated?" Teal'c inquired, since he found this odd.

"Oh, no. But I know it's worse. Everything's miserable." Marvin assured him. Teal'c sat in contemplation of this strange thing for sometime, and the robot just gave him a dead stare in return. After a while Teal'c got an idea.

"There is a game I have seen played among the Tau'ri of Earth." Teal'c began.

"Games are dreadful." Marvin moaned.

"It is called Chess. I wish to challenge you to a match." Teal'c confronted the robot.

"Oh. That." Marvin stated, "Fenchurch made me play against her before. It was such a bore.". Without even requiring instruction, the ship's computer located the chess set and sent it with a whoosh down a tube into Teal'c's room. It popped out with a thud the moment Marvin finished speaking.

After Teal'c set up the board, with no assistance from Marvin since he claimed setting it up would aggravate the pain in his diodes, they began to play. "You know this is useless," Marvin told Teal'c, "There is no way I can lose. I tried to tell Fenchurch this too. You may as well quit now, so we can both be slightly less miserable doing something else."

Teal'c gave his opponent only a slightly raised eyebrow as he made the first move. Marvin made his move immediately afterwards. As the game moved on, Teal'c spent more and more time in thought, but Marvin always instantly made his move after Teal'c decided on his. There were some minor exchanges, pawns-for-pawns, knight-for-bishop and even rook-for-rook. But after Teal'c made his forty-second move, Marvin broke the silence by saying the first thing since the start of the match.

"Hah. You lose." He managed to sound triumphant and miserable at the same time. "The game's really over now. I thought you might be able to play to a draw, you were pretty lucky for a while there." Marvin gave Teal'c little credit for his play thus far.

"I believe you are mistaken." Teal'c stated after Marvin made his move. Teal'c slid his last remaining bishop across the board and put Marvin in check. "Check..." Teal'c looked down at the board, "...and mate." The slightest of grins appeared imperceptibly on his face.

Marvin's round head jerked down to inspect the table. It was impossible. He had gone through every possible permutation of this game a dozen times over before saying the first word of agreeing to play. His logic circuits were all in working order. He had made no error. "Impossible." Marvin said, for the first time ever astonishment in his voice.

"You played well." Teal'c gave his opponent a small bow of his head.

"Impossible." Marvin repeated. "You must have cheated." He spoke hollowly. But that could not be either. He had run through his memory circuits, and all the moves were legal. The board had not been altered between any moves. Something impossible had happened.

"You do not seem to accept defeat well." Teal'c accurately observed of Marvin. The robot was at a loss of what to do. For once, all of his mental capabilities were working on the solution to a single problem. What had happened? How had it happened? The questions of who, when and why had all been proved useless many years ago. The "who" fell apart because it could easily be shown by anyone with any amount of brains that the population of the universe was zero, and anyone you meet is merely a product of your deranged non-existent mind. "When" was debunked when (Or before or after) a group of scholars successfully showed that all points in time happened before, during and after each other, but not necessarily in that order. Anyone dim-witted enough to ask "Why" never made it far in life, because even the most dense observers were aware that even on the best of days the universe made absolutely no sense at all. On the bad days it made negative sense. The record for the least sense ever made in a day by the universe was set some four-hundred standard years ago, when an impressive level of negative infinity squared was measured. There was some debate at some institutions about whether or not this was equal to positive infinity squared, but before they could reach any sort of conclusion the planet hosting these talks was turned into a single raspberry. No-one else has had the courage to pursue the subject since.

Still, Marvin's circuits raged for answers to the "What" and "How", the only thing he knew was the "Where". Some would say the "What" was that he was beaten at chess, but since this was impossible it was not entered into his processing. After 1.3 seconds, trillions longer than Marvin had ever spent considering something, he came to a conclusion.

"I have to go to Sirius Cybernetics Corporation." He admitted glumly. That miserable place was the last place in the miserable universe that be wanted to be miserable in, but he had no choice. He told Eddie to take the ship there, and soon Teal'c was left alone on the ship.

Teal'c plan had been more successful than he had planned. In reality, he did not even know how to play this game of "Chess". He had been going to ask, but decided not to bother when he was told it was impossible for him to win. He had no way of knowing whether he was winning or losing, he just grew tired and thought to say "Checkmate", as he had observed others do at the completion of this game.

Well, the robot had left now. Teal'c was alone on the ship, now. Not entirely alone though, he realized. "...Eddie." he spoke to nothing as he looked around on the bridge of the ship.

"Heeello?" Eddie chimed in.

"Have all the others now left the ship?" Teal'c inquired.

"You betcha!" Eddie exclaimed.

"Are you programmed in any way to stop any of my actions?" Teal'c inquired hesitantly.

"No sir-ee!" The enthusiastic computer replied, "You now have super-duper 100 percent control of this ship."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. These people would appear to be very foolish, indeed. Now that the ship was his he had only to re-locate O'Neill and return to Earth.


End file.
